All of the mom bloggers had filled my mind with so many stories about poop and boogers and throw-up that by the time I had my firstborn, I knew my vocabulary would quickly change. And it did. By the time I had two toddlers running around, my daily commentary sounded something like this:
- Stop eating poop
- Stop picking your nose
- Stop touching poop
- Stop touching your nose
- It smells like poop
- We don’t touch mud. (Or is it poop?)
I expected this. I knew it would happen.
What I didn’t expect was some of the things I would say now. Now that my kids a) are potty trained and b) know better than to pick their noses in front of me and c) sort of know how to wash their hands. Yet, alas, the words I never thought I’d say just keep on coming. Here are twenty from this week. (Please add your own in the comments… we’ll start a list!)
- Please take the bug off of your face and put it back outside so we can eat dinner.
- Ten-year-olds can’t have coffee. Okay, just a small cup.
- No, the cat may not wear my necklace outside.
- Don’t even tell me about the scorpion. Just kill it, wrap it in a paper towel and take it outside to the garbage without telling me and I’ll give you a dollar.
- Did you say you wanted a lettuce, avocado and mayo sandwich?
- Just dig your uniform out of the dirty laundry and scrub off any visible stains. I promise I’ll do laundry tomorrow.
- You know, if you moved those glass candles off of the coffee table, you could turn the living room into a Parcourt studio. Wait, I take that back. I didn’t mean that.
- Washing your hair actually requires soap. Get back in the shower and show me the bubbles on your head.
- No, marshmallows are not protein.
- Popcorn for dinner night! That’s a thing, isn’t it?
- Sure, you can go swimming in the freezing cold pool. Just don’t complain to me when your lips turn blue.
- You want to wear that to the store? Fine. I don’t really care as long as your body is covered.
- You’re saving up for rainbow sparkle leggings? Fine. I don’t really care as long as your body is covered.
- No slugs in the house. Ever.
- No milk in the car. Ever.
- No, I will not take your Valentine’s candy in exchange for you not having to take a shower after your soccer game. Actually, show me the candy before I make this decision. Is it chocolate?
- Make sure to wear tennis shoes so snakes can’t bite your toes! Oh, and make a lot of noise when you walk
- You flipped your car down the hill? How did that happen? Okay, well, make sure to drive on the driveway from now on.
- You can only climb to the first branch on the tree. Okay, the second.
- Daddy can sleep with you in your fort. Unfortunately, there just isn’t room for mommy.